SATURDAY GARAGE SALE
April 24, 2010 § 2 Comments
What a week. Put on your leotards and let’s get going.
The widow of TV magnate Aaron Spelling has decided to sell her 56,500 square foot home outside Los Angeles. She wants it to go fast so she knocked down the price: 150 million dollars- the most expensive home in the world currently for sale. Candy, as she likes to call herself, has decided the house is ‘too big for just me’. Such a shame daughter Tori left. No more conversations like this when her friends would show up:
“Is Tori around?”
“Absolutely, dear. You’ll find her smoking crack in bathroom no.23 in the Southeast wing. Take this GPS Navigator and call me if you get lost.”
You do have to respect her desire to downsize. Twenty-seven bathrooms seems a little superfluous. Let’s see if she can knock it down to 30,000 square feet and 12 bathrooms.
Surgeons in Barcelona completed the first ever full facial transplant this week, muscles and all. Remember the Nicolas Cage/John Travolta movie Face Off? Well, it’s done. Exciting. The only problem is the only face they’ve been able to recreate successfully is Alan Greenspan’s. With a Castilian lisp. Horrifying.
In China they’re using ‘deodorant cannons’ to fight the stench of landfills. This is a brilliant solution- reminds me of the Baroque aristocracy who never washed; they simply continued to cover themselves with more and more powder to cover up the pong. The ultimate smelly head in the sand. How does the deodorant cannon work? Roller or spray? The organic kind that works for about five minutes or the super powerful chemical variety that leaves you with that nice, sterile, cancerous smell? It might be time to rethink the bottomless landfill idea.
A beach in North Carolina has banned thongs. Bravo. The beach is no place for exposed flesh.
A 12-year old boy saved someone’s life using the Heimlich maneouvre that he learnt from watching Spongebob Squarepants. The person was having some kind of fit from watching too much Spongebob Squarepants. Tip your waiter, try the veal. Just don’t choke on it in my presence. I don’t watch that hyperactive junk – and neither will my kids.
Now for some of the news that enraged me. Lang Lang, one of the world’s greatest pianists (I had the pleasure of seeing him live this year- dazzling) ‘amused’ the crowd by playing a piece on an IPad. You can be as disgusted as I am by watching it here. If you find yourselves giggling in wonder while watching him as most of the audience was in the auditorium, shame on you. The whole thing reminds me of this wonderful Leunig picture:
You know what’s more thrilling than playing piano on an IPad? Playing a fricking PIANO.
Arizona has passed their new immigration legislation, called the Arizona Nazi Germany Klu Klux Immigration Reform Act. This will open the door for police officers (not immigration officials- but have no fear; these cops have been renamed “peace officials” by the racist, fascist governor Jan Brewer) to enter the home of anyone that they may suspect is ‘illegal’. They can also stop one of these ‘suspects’ anywhere and ask them for documentation. Sound familiar? North Korean travel agents are now advertising Arizona vacations and they’re going fast- the slogan is catchy: “Come to sunny Arizona. Oppression without the Bad Weather.”
Racial profiling has always been here. But now it’s official policy, folks.
I drove around for about six hours yesterday trying to find the address of a recycling center in the middle of an industrial Angeleno suburb to drop off my recyclable material that had been accumulating for the last couple of weeks. I’d been reduced to this because my apartment building doesn’t have recycling bins. I’ve called the city and asked them to speak to the manager- no dice. The man’s too busy smoking 2 packs of Marlboro reds a day at an age north of 60. I guess the fate of the world isn’t foremost on his mind. You know what happens to garbage that isn’t recycled?
It ends up smelling like Degree Arctic Fresh.
Pictures, from top: Candy’s home: offensively absurd.
Michael Leunig’s “TV Sunrise”.
A Chinese landfill.