DEAR DIARY

November 3, 2010 § 1 Comment

After the results were in for the California gubernatorial race last night, I broke into Meg Whitman’s home and stole her journal. A powerful sense of civic duty compels me to share an excerpt with you:

Wednesday, Nov 3, 2010, 12:08 am

Thank God it’s over. This fake blonde hair is killing me- I’m tired of being hit on all the time. Angelina Jolie is right- being hot is a burden.

I’m slightly disappointed to have lost, I’ll admit it… after all, there was so much I was planning to do for the people of Cali. Ah, the PEOPLE… how I love those fellow rich, financially elite guys and gals. The salt of the earth, the heart and soul of this great State… I would have given them the WORLD, and made sure their lives were not destroyed by that small minority of evil-doers, those lazy, good-for-nuttin ‘POOR’ PEOPLE. How dare they keep me out of Sacramento! With their fat, bloated minimum wage and luxurious working conditions… some Walmart employee had the gall to write me a letter the other day, saying I didn’t know anything about ‘real work’. Oh yeah? Try sitting at a DESK for three and a half hours a day, pancho, and THEN tell me about work. Anyone can stack boxes, mop floors and take crap from a boss half their age who’s still battling acne. That guy should feel PRIVILEGED to have a job like that. Man, I’d KILL to be able to do that. Instead, I’ve had to make billions telling others what to do and boy, is that draining.

I’m also surprised at this whole election thing that’s been going on under my nose all these years. Why didn’t anyone tell me people could vote? Wasn’t this country founded on the principle that anyone could be President, with enough money? Sheeiit, I put $170 MILLION into this thing, and that’s not enough??  I was told that the person who spends the most, wins! I’m going to demand a recount tomorrow. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do… hire a hotshot lawyer, go on Fox and demand JUSTICE!

Jerry Brown is such a weener. All that flowery talk about clean air and water, ‘worker’ (there’s that phony word again) rights and ‘fairness’. The guy spent almost NOTHING on his campaign- only, like, 50 million. Which person would you rather go on a date with, California? Huh?? The Gubernor who takes you to Spago, or the broken-down old geezer who takes you to Chucky Cheese and can’t get it up in the parking lot afterward? Jerry is just like all those disgusting poor people: CHEAP. That’s why they live like they do- they just refuse to spend all that moolah they’ve got under their mattresses from all those cashed welfare checks they don’t deserve. Boy, would I have put a stop to THAT.

So now what? It’s like I’m back at Ebay.. so much time on my hands. Maybe I’ll catch up on some movies. SAW 3-D looks good. A story about innocent, hardworking people being victimized, tortured and having the life slowly squeezed out of them by an all-powerful overlord. God, I’m getting turned on… reminds me of why I ran for Gubernor. What else? Oh yeah, I have all those episodes of Good Times on my DVR! Those jive-talking Africana-Americans are HILARIOUS. I love the irony of these rich black (hee hee- I said ‘black’!)  people, living in a world completely tilted in their favour, who agonize over ‘getting out of the ghetto’. No wonder it’s so funny. Dyno-mite!!!
Oh well. Time to bathe. Where is that legalized Guatemalan when I need her? Do I have to run the water myself again??

Wait a second… I just remembered…

I forgot to vote.

Shoot.

Ah well. I wasn’t keeping up with it anyway.


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