WEDNESDAY WHITTLES

May 4, 2011 § Leave a comment

Hasta La Vista, Psycho

Ah, the strange, evil, bearded one is gone… he has appeared on our screens for the final time. No longer will we have to listen to his waubling, his screams, his call to millions to stand by his side as he walks the path to glory…

Yep. Casey got knocked off Idol.

Not that I’m a fan of the show. Glorified karaoke. Although I do have a strange mancrush on Ryan Seacrest. Darn it, the kid’s just so clean-cut. Virginal, almost. That hair- impervious to sex, I bet. I  just want to roll with Ryan on a bed of hay in some barn and see if that hair gets at all tousled after we make love, Ryan all the while whispering sweet everythings in my ear like, “you’ll never be in my bottom three.”

Sweaty Betty’s Boy Ties The Knot

Then there was the ‘royal’ wedding. If you want the real truth, the stunning tale behind the scenes, William & Kate is a must. I watched it on Lifetime recently and couldn’t speak the rest of the day. I was rocked by the performances, the story with its twists and turns. First he meets her and they like each other. Then they get to know each other a little bit and they like each other. Then he’s going to marry her. Then he’s going to marry her. All those misdirections almost exhausted me, but I hung in for the cliffhanger ending.

Thank You, Vin

More good news: Fast Five, the latest installment of this movie serial that has soothed of psyches of men with small penises the world over, raked in bucketloads of cash its opening weekend. I’m so frigging relieved. Just when I thought Hollywood couldn’t make movies for adults anymore. They’ve actually made the next one already. It’s called Slow Six. This one’s got an environmental bent to it; Vin Diesel and his posse deck themselves out in souped-up Nissan Leafs. The car chases are a little more gentle and very quiet. There’s a terrific chase through a solar panel field, although it’s a little stop start, what with everyone having to stop and recharge every five minutes. “You go ahead,” Diesel huskily whispers to a comrade in the middle of the action as he plugs his tiny cord into a yellow fluorescent outlet, “I’m gonna get me some kilowatts.”

More Idiots By 2100

A sobering report this week from the U.N, predicting that our population will reach 10 billion by the end of the century.

Sure, it sounds like a lot. But that number wouldn’t be so scary if I were convinced that it wouldn’t be the wrong kind of people, like the woman at the CVS the other day who couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t take a check. Or the 19,342 waiters in Los Angeles who order me to “please enjoy” my meal. Or people who bring nachos into a movie theater; what’s next?? An Indian buffet in the front row? You take your seat, under which is a pull-out drawer with a plate, silverware and napkin. Just go help yourself during the film whenever you get peckish. Wonderful. If god had intended us to eat smelly hot food during movies, he wouldn’t have given us nostrils.

Family Ties Visits West Virginia

Victoria has found her ultimate guilty pleasure: the Hub channel. There used to be a strip club near my mother’s house in Sydney called The Hub. The difference between the club and the cable channel is that one leaves me feeling dirty, used and morally vapid- the other is a strip club. The Hub Channel is a revelation, an ABC Family affiliate showing edgy, gritty movies for children and an evening lineup featuring Doogie Howser MD, Happy Days, The Wonder Years and Vic’s favourite, Family Ties. Victoria’s obsession with this series is getting out of hand; the other night, she wanted to do a little sexual role play. It consisted of her getting dressed up like Tina Yothers (blonde wig, braces, acne makeup, the whole nine yards) and yours truly impersonating the lanky, bearded father (the wonderful Michael Gross). Gross.

Pictures, from top: 

Casey – the next bearded target of extrajudicial assassination?

The two dull, uninteresting actors who miraculously transformed          themselves into two dull, uninteresting very rich people.

Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Martin & Lewis…. voila.

The father in Family Ties: my sexual doppelganger.

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