TUESDAY TRIFLES : FEAR THE COLON

May 24, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s been a busy week news-wise.

I never feel comfortable using “wise” in this fashion. Seems amateurish and inarticulate to me, vocab-wise. But we’ll press on.

CONSIDER IT A DIVORCE

So now the word is Maria leaked the story. I guess leaking is what got Termie in this mess to begin with. Greatest Arnold line in the canon: he shoots a crocodile in the face in Eraser and says, “you’re luggage”. That has nothing to do with the current soap opera playing out. You ever notice that the only people who say “I feel sorry for everyone concerned” are men? I’m not one of them; I don’t feel sorry for Arnold. I do, however, feel sorry for the housekeeper: it was just reported that instead of offering her a post-coital cigarette, Arnold forced her to sit through back-to-back viewings of The Last Action Hero and Junior.

ANOTHER BLOWUP IN ICELAND

Victoria just saw an image of the latest ash cloud erupting in Iceland and said, “cool”. Very empathetic. Luckily this one isn’t going to do the same kind of damage. A good time to relate my favourite Iceland story: When my brother and I were on our way to Europe, we made a stop in Reykjavic. While we were waiting to board, we saw a suited gentleman, with a small entourage, board the plane. My brother jokingly said, “that’s probably the President of Iceland.” Well, it was. We flew with the President. The US could take a cue from that guy. Nothing wrong with a little downsizing. I was actually behind Iceland’s leader in line for the toilet. I don’t want to tell tales out of school but let’s just say Olafur Ragnar Grimsson must eat a lot of wild game.

TATTOO ARTIST FAILS TO SAVE US FROM CRUD

Don’t know if you caught this one- the artist who designed Mike Tyson’s tattoo attempted to halt the release of The Hangover remake (I refuse to call it The Hangover Part II, as if it’s the next installment in some kind of Tolkienian literary series) due to an attempt to extract money from Warner Bros for “copyright infringement”. Listen, I’m all for artists being compensated for their work and having it be protected from exploitation, but there’s one small problem: Mike Tyson, for the 7 people who didn’t see it, was in the first movie and this guy said nothing. I would have liked to have seen the kerfuffle if the studio did have to hold the release. Best idea: re-release the original Hangover and see how many people notice. Better yet: re-release Police Academy 3, just because I think it’s sad that Steve Gutenberg works at the Hollywood Way 7-Eleven in Burbank. And the movie should have been called Police Academy Part III. I read all nine books.

NEW YORK 26TH

As of this column’s writing, humans in New York’s 26th congressional district, usually a safe Republican seat or, as people of color describe it, The Right Time to Take A Detour, are voting to elect their member to the House of Representatives, after their last guy did the usual Republican thing and requested anonymous sex online. The news here is that the Democrat is in front due to the fact that the Republican nominee supported Paul Ryan’s “there’s too many old people anyway and they smell to boot” end-Medicare plan. He is, of course, absolutely right, but there’s got to be an easier way to thin their numbers than electing Republicans.

LAW & ORDER LA : TOAST

I must begin by saying that, as a writer and actor, I’m never happy to see a TV series which employs my colleagues in both professions, not to mention the hundreds of crew and production staff, cancelled. Having said that, a show that was devised with as much cynicism and artistic vapidity as this one deserves what it gets. Yes, I know the sole purpose of making TV shows is to make money, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be just a tad of creativity and artistic quality in the mix as well. Any show that uses another show’s title while adding a colon has me worried off the bat. The producers are already telling us the show can’t stand on its own,  kind of like the skeevy guy who tries to get into the chic nightclub by dropping names: “no, wait man, I’m a friend of those guys.” Unfortunately, as we all know there are a lot of idiots out there who have fallen for it and are right now watching CSI : Toledo and Diff’rent Strokes : Last Man Standing, the new CBS spinoff where Todd Bridges, the last surviving cast member of the old show, returns as Willis to clean up the mansion he grew up in, which is now filled with squatters after it went into foreclosure. His little brother Arnold will also be featured, now played by Steve Gutenberg on his knees in black face.

At this point, anything is better than reality TV. And if you live in New York’s 26th district, vote for Kathy Hochul.

Pictures, from top:  Arnold in happier times with the crocodile community.

Iceland’s President: Smelly poos.

Gutenberg: Slurpee purveyor.





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